A couple of days ago I wrote about putting a moratorium on complaining - me complaining, since that's who I can control. It's hard!!! I am learning a lot about myself in the process.
What to do when I step on a tiny piece of glass and it hurts - and hurts even more digging it out? What to do when it takes me hours trying to fill out online forms, trying Mac and PC, unsuccessfully, finally using "old" technology of writing and scanning? What to do when I'm exhausted and don't have time to pause between my toddler, packing, and looking for an apartment in the city I will arrive in next week?
A couple of things of note:
1) When I choose not to complain, I often am silent - at least for a long time.
2) I can do different things with that silence: grumble and complain internally, this blowing one of the main reasons to stop complaining; or contemplate the root of my complaint and whether to say something or do something in lieu of complaint that might help resolve things more positively.
3) A lot of that contemplation is leading to an understanding of my complaints often being a response to grief over losses ranging from something happening (or not) outside my hopes/expectations, to "good" losses like purging so much stuff from my life and learning to live differently.
4) Not complaining might be really hard, but I already feel a sense of integrity increasing as a result of the practice.
So what do I do in those moments when I really have a kvetch itching to get out? I have been pausing, even with no time to pause. I have been looking at my son an enjoying his sweetness, even/especially when he spots the baby chair he has outgrown, already out on the curb, and brings it back in.
The practice brings me back to the core teachings of Mussar: to be awake to our impact in relationship with each and every person we encounter, whether for a moment or longstanding connections; and not only the impact on them, but on me as well.
And so, I seek and find joy even when I just want to gripe (or scream). I even shed a few tears, which are so much more cathartic than complaining.
And yes, a few complaints sneak through. And I try not to be too hard on myself.
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