Father's Day Isn't All Happy (but it isn't all sad, either): A Personal Story

Happy Father's Day!
It's all over ads in my email inbox - it's impossible to get away from. My Facebook status update even says, "It's Father's Day, what's on your mind?" and wants me to add a cute little handholding graphic to my update.

And I don't say I want to get away from it. But maybe, a little bit, I do...and if you do, too, I hope you will read through the happy beginning that comes next. Because:

I wish a very Happy Father's Day to my stepfather, who has truly been a Dad to me, throughout most of my life, through thick and think. He has indulged in all the right fatherly moments, and he has been fiercely loving when I needed it - and always. He has stood by my mom in sickness and in health - his love for her is steadfast, and has taught me how I want, how I deserve to be loved in this world. He has loved her, and me, through both storm and sunshine.

I wish a very Happy Father's Day to my husband. It is awesome watching him be Dad to our son, even (or maybe especially) in the moments where we aren't completely on the same page about parenting styles. I am glad for him and for our son that he has had the flexibility in these first few years of parenting to really be available throughout the week, to pick him up after school and take him to the park or other play places. I see father and son learning the world together, teaching each other, playing and reading and snuggling - and it is more beautiful than I could imagine.

And then.

And then, on Father's Day, I inevitably think about my father, the man whose DNA is in mine, who was married to my mother the first handful of years of my life, who lived within spitting distance my entire childhood, whom I saw in the old-fashioned custody arrangement of every other weekend (and who seemed at other hours of the week to be unapproachable).

Somehow, in my childhood, he made me uncomfortable growing into a woman. He left me with vulnerabilities I am still patching over. As an adult, I tried reconciling a couple of times, and each time he, unintentionally I am (fairly) certain, ripped open wounds I thought I had healed, leaving me feeling stupid and insecure. During one of these reconciliation periods he seemed really to want to get to know me - so much that I felt others in my life weren't listening as well as he. And then.

And then.

And then, I forgive and I move on with my life. But I do so without him in it.

And then, I think maybe I should wish him a Happy Father's Day. After all, I really don't think he ever intended to alienate me. I don't think he set out to hurt me or to open up those vulnerabilities that are so fragile in me to this day. I don't think he ever wanted me to feel uncomfortable being a woman in this world, though his actions contributed greatly to my awareness of and distaste for the deep-rooted misogyny in our society.

And then, I wonder how on earth I can wish this man a Happy Father's Day. How could it possibly be happy, even to hear from me? Perhaps he can go on blindly, and not wonder about a possible relationship with me, his daughter, or not grieve my brother, z"l, dead now nearly twenty years, who would have been 48 tomorrow. Perhaps his stepdaughters will wish him a happy father's day, as I will to my stepfather - and perhaps that will bring him joy; I really don't know his relationship with them, as I have had none for more than 30 years. Perhaps. And it really isn't fair for me to imagine him dwelling on what could have been, though I inevitably return to it year after year.

Would it make him happy to hear from me, even if I don't intend more than three words? Does it even make sense to send those three words - "Happy Father's Day" - in an email to a man I don't even know anymore (if I ever did)?

And so - if you, the man I called Dad through my childhood, are reading this - I do think of you, and I sometimes wonder how things could be different. I don't know, after all these years, if it is possible to change the way things are, given the way things have been. As I know you wished me no harm, even when you managed to say and do things that left me very hurt - I wish you no harm, no pain, even though I know simply by not being in your life I must leave you with vulnerabilities. For that, I am sorry.

And so - to all out there who have stories that make Father's Day (or Mother's Day, or any other days like this) difficult, or not particularly "happy" (thanks, Hallmark, for telling us we ought to feel a particular way) - I hope you find strength and support.

And also - to all who have read this all the way through despite having wonderful and deep relationships with your fathers and stepfathers - or despite being incredible fathers or stepfathers who are making your children feel safe and secure - thank you for reading, and most of all, Happy Father's Day.

And to everyone - a very happy Solstice - may this day of long daylight shine light and love and healing throughout our imperfect and sometimes awfully broken world.

How to Teach 2nd Grade From Scratch

As the end of the school year draws near, it's time to reflect on how to teach 2nd grade without an education degree or a teaching certificate.


Step one,

Say yes when the head of school offers you the job. Move right past thinking it is crazy. Never mind what she is thinking offering the job to you - that’s her business. You have to leap at the chance before you think better of it.

Step two,

Call on all that other teaching experience:

Hebrew/Sunday school classes for which you were probably ill-prepared, but there was so little expectation or oversight that it just didn’t matter - and don't forget directing Hebrew schools, including teaching others about how to teach;

College classes for which you prepared detailed syllabi with oodles of reading, and horrid consequences explicitly laid out for plagiarism and cell-phone use in class;

Adult-ed programs for which you prepared too many texts and then wound up relying heavily on student questions.

Take them all, and throw them out the window.

Except maybe the plagiarism consequences, which you might want to save for when a student defies the sign saying “do your best work.”  No - throw out those consequences. They don’t really threaten the college students out of the plagiarism, and you can’t throw a 2nd grader out of class, or the school, for most of that defiant behavior. And trust me, you probably don’t want to. Plus, many second graders can barely read, so the college and adult-ed lessons are pretty useless.

Which brings me to

Step three,

Bring your heart.

Be prepared for it to get broken.

You will fall in love with your students. Really, you must. And if you don’t, then you probably won’t be a great teacher. And if you do, you need the have a great big open mushable, mashable heart, and be prepared for it to be bruised and scratched and torn.

Because content is only part of what you are teaching - and probably the least important part. What you are teaching, what you need to focus on, is character. You are teaching, or better guiding students to push through the hard stuff, to try things they think they can’t do, to get rid of that “can’t do” attitude, to persevere. You are teaching curiosity. No, you can’t teach that.

Nah - forget the word teaching

You are guiding

encouraging

fostering

The students will learn better when you stop teaching. When you see them. When you open the journey to them.

How do you teach 2nd grade? I haven’t a clue. I understand more about how to read a curriculum, how to write goals that I can meet and that students can understand, and how to write and (sort of) stick to a cohesive lesson plan. But teaching day to day? Every day is different, and no matter how well my plans are written, how cohesive and clear they are, I have learned to be flexible and ready for the unexpected.

What I do know, though, is that my students are awesome, and I appreciate every lesson they have for me, planned or otherwise. And I will miss them terribly when the year is over.

Addendum: thoughts that don't quite fit the above narrative
but I want to say them anyway:

• More than a skim of texts about 2nd grade pedagogy, including who 2nd graders are, is actually quite valuable, and probably necessary for sustained work in this field.
• If it weren't for the price many students would have to pay, I would think it valuable for every adult to teach for a year, including all of the preparation involved. As a society, we might respect our teachers more, and possibly compensate them better, recognizing all that they do. And more parents might then approach teachers with a level of compassion and gratitude, out of experience. I know the experience changed how I approach my son's teachers, even when I have a big concern.